Hey There!

Where have I been? Well, I would love to tell my six subscribers (none of which read this blog) that I have been to far off places doing international type stuff. Sadly though, I am just a lazy girl that has nothing to say. I know that nobody reads this blog and it's ok because really it's just an excuse for me to bang away at my keyboard every now and again as I love the sound of the keys clunking. I wonder how many nasty and dirty, socially unacceptable things I could get away with saying on this blog since no one reads it. I'm gonna try that someday.

I was exhausted this morning because of my intense love of the night and all things Nick at Nite when I realised that the sun had come up. I mean I was really surprised to look out the window and see that little sucker coming up. Well luckily I don't work on Tuesday so I decided to sleep for a few hours when just before I feel totally off I was harpooned with this unbelievable feeling of worthlessness. I shouldn't be asleep even though I desperately need it, I got dreams to chase man. You see, I thought that my current employment would allow me to chase my dreams in life but all it does is keep me working.

I won't be talking about my dreams just yet as i'm too embarrassed of them to share but I feel like I need to kick it into high gear and go after them because I ain't getting any younger. Even in the middle of the night, going to sleep seems like the wrong thing to do because I'm just putting it off.  I realise now that I am an incredible time waster and it seems like the worst kind of frivolity throwing away chances like I do.

I need to stop beeing and moaning about what I want to do and need out of life and just do it. I feel like such a bs'er that now even my prayers seem redundant. I mean God must be looking at me and saying "OK, I kept you alive one more day like you asked and look what you did with it, Nothin! Stop talking to me until you get serious." I'm just a big chicken that needs to get her crap together.

On a brighter note. People like me, I am doing so much better at work now and people are asking for my card every day. I used to think that my shyness was a bad thing but now I realise that it is just a part of who I am and that I am never gonna get over it. I think shyness is in the blood. I might not be the most outgoing or the loudest but once I talk to you for a few seconds, I'm ok and then we have a good old time. People seem to be put at ease by me and my work is just as good as my coworkers. I'm still working on my speed but the end results have been great.

Wish me luck and I'll do the same for you.

Only $19.95...Back Bone not included!

I was your typical shy teenager. I didn't have a lot of friends and on weekends it was usually my parents and I down at the IHOP or watching a movie. That sounds like a lot of fun and it was but it really inhibited me. I have never found it easy to talk to people without blushing and damn near having a pulmonary embolism. My dad was incredibly shy as well and in his line of work that was a trait that was very tricky to get around. My dad was the pastor of our church and I was always so amazed to watch him walk into the Pulpit, you could hear a slight tremor in his voice but five minutes later he was transformed into a confident man of God on a mission.

I was never able to transition that easily from Wallflower to happy participant. I was recently told by someone that I am a pessimist. I never thought about it but it's not the first time I've heard that. The first time was on my prom night. Now what in the world was going on on my prom night that it would even come up? Maybe there is something to be considered here. Well the recent guy said that I am always waiting for the worst possible scenario to go down. Apparently I am afraid that if anyone shows the slightest interest in getting to know me, they will learn what a loser I am and I will be totally embarrassed. Okay, he's got a point. I am a bit of a late bloomer. I feel sometimes that I am so far behind all of the people I know that are my age. I feel like I should be so much further ahead. My only solace is in the fact that I have always clung to the belief that whatever is meant for you won't pass you by. I also know that most people feel like they are lagging behind in one way or another.

I have a job that I don't really hate but I could like it a lot more if I weren't so nervous all the time. It's a job that requires that I be right in peoples face while being "charming, informative, kind and engaging". I'm not good at the whole engaging thing but it's a great job and I want to excel so I'm gonna have grow some balls asap. My voice teacher once told me that I was as cute as a button ( what does that mean ) and charming too. I've always held onto that when I've felt a little loserish. I'm so sick of the knot in my stomach and the cold sweat on my nose when I have to meet someone new or try something different. Advice is always welcome.

Oh my goodness, I've just read over this thing and can't believe how many sentences I started off with I. Ms. Nalepa told me in the third grade not to do that but I'm too lazy to change it now. I'm trying to get better at this writing thing so I'll do better next time. Gotta stop talking about myself so much. My family is full of nutballs that are much more screwed up and entertaining than me.

Oops!

I AM AN ASSHOLE! I'm not an asshole every day, actually I'm quite nice. Today though (from about 9:35pm until whenever he calls me back, I'm an asshole). Only one person probably feels this way about me right now and I'm hoping that the two or three people that read this won't agree with him after reading the rest of this. The only reason that I had the epiphany that I am having now is because of my assholery.

I have a very nice young man in my life that I will talk about more at a later time. Long story short, I have been with him since about 2004. We were serious at first but I knew he wasn't right for me and so about two and a half years ago I started distancing myself. Apparently I was only distancing myself in ways that I noticed because he still thought that everything was cool. I don't believe in all of that astrological mumbo jumbo but he is always saying that my being a Gemini is the reason for the roller coaster that is my personality. Actually I'm just the baby of the family and a spoiled brat in general, which leads me to believe that I can get away with anything (hey, at least I'm acknowledging it). So, for the last couple of years, we have been seeing each other a few times a week and we talk regularly but I have withdrew almost all affection and hurt him quite a bit I'm sure. Basically I'm a coward that doesn't want to hurt any ones feelings and in my pathetic attempt at doing so am just drawing out the pain and setting myself up for a murder/suicide situation.

Well, today I screwed up bad and now I can't enjoy my chocolate cake. I hadn't spoken to him all day and when he finally called I was less than friendly. I was just joking but I need to just learn to say hello. Well, ordinarily this greeting would have been okay but his Grandmother just had a heart attack and he was calling to let me know. I AM AN ASSHOLE! He cussed me out and tried to get off of the phone, I calmed him down and we talked for about twenty minutes before disconnecting. I feel like the scum of the earth. This got me to thinking though. I love this man like a brother. We have been friends for about twenty years now and only started dating after my dad died. I was not in my right mind at the time and now realise that friends is all that we ever should have been but seven years later and a whole lot of ASSHOLE moments on my part and here we are. I'm so scared for his Grandma but I'm also scared about the future. I have no place in his life and it's times like this that I realise that he deserves someone with a loving shoulder to cry on.

Word of advice people. Be fearless in the decisions that you make. Have enough heart to be honest about your feelings because being a coward about things is repugnant. You think that you are being kind but in actuality it's all about you and your fear of making people hate you. Giving people false hope is just the most selfish thing that you can do. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I'm tactful enough to know what I'm not gonna do but I really don't know what to say or do right now.

Question for Ya!

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS? I have had this silly blog for a short while now and I gotta say, I can't think of a damn thing to talk about. I was never conceited enough to think that I was a very professorial person with a lot to say but lawdy, lawdy I feel dumb on this thing. I just thought that it would be fun to chatter about the things that happen to me in every day life. I love to write in my journal and I love the sound of the keyboard keys clicking away and so I thought that this would be the best of both worlds. I was wrong. I watch the news but sharing my views on politics just makes me feel dumb because all of you guys are so much better at it and I would be crushed if someone commented and put me in my place.

I AM SUCH A PUSSY!!!WHAT I'M GIVING UP FOR LENT. BEING A PUSS.

If I don't find a voice soon i'm just gonna shut this thing down and go back to the journal where I don't feel so silly.

Comment section Bitchery!

I will be the first to admit it. I am a bratty little daddy's girl that always thinks she's right. I have been used t getting my way since I was a little girl. I remember being the only one of my sisters that could talk back to my mom and dad without going to be with a sore behind. I don't know what it was about me that made me immune to the almighty ass whooping but in my life I only recieved one while my sisters recived atleast three a year, usually after their report cards came in or when they just lost their damn minds and forgot who they were talking to. Sidenote: my parents believed that kids should be seen and not heard while I believe that they should be able to express their emotions, they are like humans that way. I still have a lot of resentment about that shit.

Anyway, It was only after I got my first boyfriend, well my only boyfriend at the old age of Twenty one that I realised that he never had a chance with me. When we debated somthing I always had the last word. I could never accept his opinion as anything but an opinion while my opinion was a fact.

What am I talking about again? Oh yeah, My dumb as made the mistake of reading the comment section of one my favorite blogs and was bombarded with little me's talking like their word was law and I have just come to realise how TRULY unattractive that is. Oh, God! I hope that I don't come off like that. Now I am proud to say that I do believe that I have a little more charm and finesse than most of thos loons but good God.

I am a very judgmental person, I just have the good sense to keep most of it to myself. Which shows what a faker I can be. I don't want to be some holier than thou sourpuss that rains on everyone's parade so I won't be doing two things anymore. I won't be reading any more comment sections and I won't try to get the last word, unless I know that I am right. Which I usually am.

BUTTHEAD!!

I feel like a big old Doody Head right now! You see, this sisterhood shit is a trip. Guilt thy name is Sisterhood.

HATE Speech

I HATE my sister!! Boy that felt good. It also felt pretty bad. I have had to accept the fact though that I hate her. I know that it is never to late to change things but I am so tired and so over it. I don't want to change things with this woman, I just want to get as far away from her as I possibly can as quickly as I can. I hesitate to even write this because I believe that you invite lessons by way of horrible things happening. I don't want to say how I feel and then get the phone call that my sister is dead and then feel like shit. That would suck...

Ok, I don't really hate my sister. I love her with all of my heart but I truly don't like her most of the time. The part that pisses me off is that we have the kind of relationship that is great one minute and then shiteous the next. My sister has a boatload of baggage that makes her incredibly unbearable. Long story short, Girl meets boy, boy impregnates and abuses girl, Boy terrorizes girls Mother and sisters, Girl sticks by boys side, Boy goes to jail, Girl still chooses boy over girl, Boy doesn't change, Girl get's mad a family for not loving boy.

I resent my sister more than anything in this world. I, for about a year spent almost every evening lying for my sister, cleaning up after her stupidity, going to court with her and letting her use my car to do her dirt and you would think that the bitch would remember that but in her silly little mind, we owe her. I am the kind of person that would rather go without if I can't figure out a way to do things on my own. I never ask anyone for favors because I don't want to be seen as weak and because I hate the idea of owing people. I hate owing people because on the few occasions that I have needed something from my sister, she has been quick to throw it up in my face as soon as we had a fight. The extent of her help to me mind you being that she twisted my locs a few times. Hell, I even learned to do that so that I wouldn't have to ask her to do it.

My sister suffers from this belief that I am a spoiled little brat that never does a thing for anyone. I will admit that I was my Mom and Dad's little baby and I had a much better relationship with them than she ever did for various reasons. Some of the fault lying with them and some with her. I won't argue the merits of her belief because I would look like a total asshole trying to argue the merits of my character but I have always thought that I was a pretty good person. My sister has a big problem with a person proclaiming that they are a good person, like you aren't supposed to be aware of it. What the hell is up with that? You know if you are a bad person so why wouldn't you know otherwise?

My sister is really bad with taking her anger out on the people that it belongs to as well. If she's mad, the nearest target is in trouble. It is a shame that whenever my sister comes around I get a knot in my stomach and my defenses immediately go up because God only knows if I'm gonna get my good sister or her evil other side. She is the kind of person that can be a jerk and then five minutes come back and be as nice and can be. I'm sorry but I need an apology before I start singing lullabies with you after a fight. I just resent this twerp so very much and I don't know what to do.

You know, I just know that we will never have a truly healthy relationship so the only way that we can have a decent one is to get the hell away from each other. If I don't have to interact with her every day and see her behavior first hand I can just pretend that it doesn't exist and we will get along much better.

So long story short, I don't hate my sister. I highly dislike her a lot of the time but I love her. Would I give her a piece of my liver? Absolutely! Would I give her a Kidney? Hell, No! The Kidney regenerates itself, if I give her a piece it will grow back. Once I give her a Kidney, it's gone forever and as bad as she treats her body it would be a waste. I'd probably take her to court to get it back.

I need professional help or an English tutor.

I don't really think that I'm a extremely self absorbed person but I just read my last post and cannot believe how many of my sentences start with "I". Mrs. Nalepa, my third grade teacher always said that we shouldn't begin all of our sentences with the word "I" because it's boring and lazy. I'm going to believe that I'm just lazy and boring for now and go brush up on my grammar because the other possibility is very unattractive.

My life hurts...

My job has me standing on my feet all day walking in circles. So damn boring but the money is good and every hour or so I get to have about fifteen minutes of fun so I guess that forty five minutes of tedium isn't so bad. At least I have a job. I'm working on not being such a self absorbed whiner and I have to tell you, it's no fun. I like talking about myself, thinking about myself and fantasizing about myself. I do like cooking for others though. That's how I nurture, and i'm damn good at it too. I just made the best yellow sheet cake with cream cheese frosting and I have nobody to feed it to.

That's my biggest problem, I like to cook but I also like to eat and that's why I can't shed those pesky ten pounds. See, talking about myself again...I have taken a week long break on the work outs. I usually work out Mon thru Fri but every couple of months my knees just go to hell and the idea of a squat or a lunge just scares me to death. I keep having daydreams about being in the middle of a set of lunges and my knee bone just popping out of it's socket and tearing through my skin, leaving me in a pile on the floor screaming for help in my basement where no one can hear me. Knee bone, you like that don't you. Well, i'm too lazy to look up the medical terminology right now.

I want to write a book, or maybe just a short story. I want to do something and finish it. I want to impress someone. I impress myself already but the things that I do aren't really things that I can show off. "Hey look at this new scarf I knitted" isn't the show stopper you'd think it is. I don't know why but it pisses me off when people don't gush over the food that I cook for them. (More on my Thanksgiving feast when I feel up to not being a lazy ass). Suffice it to say that I cooked a HUGE holiday feast and was left home alone to eat it, I even brined the damn turkey for 24 hours. I make the best peach pie in the world and whenever I give a piece to this Male person that I know he acts like it's from the frozen food section. Bitch, those are ripe Cling peaches from the heart of Georgia, I made the dough from scratch. You better recognize!

This male person, figure???? has a buddy that has been making him upside down cakes and strawberry cupcakes( which I recently found out are by way of Ms. Betty Crocker!) for years and you'd think that she had won the Pillsbury bake off the way this fool gushes. Me though, after one bite and not even a raised eyebrow in appreciation. He' s lucky I don't take it straight from the oven and smear it in his face.

What was I talking about in the first place? This post wasn't supposed to go there. Ok let's see, I was talking about work place boredom, achey knees and a need to impress. I titled this thing "My life Hurts" because whenever someone complains about aches and pains I respond by saying My life hurts. I don't know what it means, my sister is the original complaininator and I remember that after hearing one to many complaints I responded with that little gem. Now, I just say it to be a jackass. Plus, I just always pick horrible titles.

Ok, well enough about me. Not really, but bye.

I wish I was as brave as you!

I have had a few people look at my hair and then tell me how brave I must be to wear such a daring style. Just so you know, I wear dreadlocs......I'm not walking around here with a hot pink Mohawk or a blonde mullet. I just have shoulder length locs that are clean and neat.

Why do I wear locs? Well let's just say that at the age of sixteen a very talkative hairstylist that was too concerned with what so and so did to whoozy whatzy left the relaxer in my hair too long and I went bald in the back of my head so I had to let it go for a while. Well then my simple ass went back to this troll and got a bowl cut and found out later that she had used dirty clippers on my head and that I had folliculitis. Well, two weeks of antibiotics and four rounds of steroid shots in my scalp at $100.00 a pop left me wary of going to beauty salons.

I decided a few years ago that I would relax my hair at home but first I would go natural for about six months so that I could have a nice head of shiny straight hair but at about month five something strange happened. I went to the beauty supply to buy a relaxer and left with locking gel. i had a big fluffy Afro and I loved it and I haven't looked back. I'm happy with my decision but I don't think I'm brave. This is my hair and the advantages for me are much greater than they were with straight hair. I can exercise every day and not worry about sweating my edges out. I can drive with my windows down and not mess up my style. If I could swim, I would, but I can't so......

I believe that woman should do to their hair whatever they feel works for them but I can't help but feel that black women straighten their hair because we feel that what we were given naturally is unattractive. Four Hundred and some odd years of being told that you are disgusting will do that to you but I am sad that we go to such lengths to be something that we aren't when what we have is so much fun. I've heard so many women say that they only straighten their hair because it's so much more versatile but most of the ladies I see with relaxers just wear it in a pony tail every day. What's versatile about that and if versatility is what you want wouldn't your natural hair be a part of that arsenal? Look, I really don't care what people do with their hair, I just want them to be happy with what they are without changing a thing.

I have never been insulted about my hair by a white person. No, only people that look like me like to do that type of shit. Even when I relaxed my hair I would get teased and called a nappy headed bitch for nothing. Even when you can't see the kinks people still talk about them.

I don't really know what my point is anymore. I started writing only to talk about why I went natural and now I'm preaching at people which is not my intention. I just see all of these beautiful women out their with their played out weaves and wigs that aren't fooling anyone and their home relaxers that have left them practically bald and I wonder if they know how beautiful they would be with a big ass fro, long shiny locs and a big beautiful smile. We are perfect the way we are and if only took me going bald, spending six hundred dollars in medical bills, being stabbed in the back of the head with a needle full of acid and hating myself for a short while to see that.

Turner Classic Movie's alright!!

I just made the mistake? of watching "Birth of a Nation" and I really don't know what else to say. I have known about this movie forever and finally now having a chance to watch it, couldn't resist. I'm gonna let it sink in and then maybe I'll have something more to say. More than likely though, I will just have ball of anxiety, anger, confusion and sadness in my tummy for a few days and get over it like I always do. Man I gotta get fired up about something and stick with it for once. I just can't ever seem to keep my righteous indignation fired up long enough to make a difference about anything. I mean, I like baking, listening to Opera and poop jokes. I'm not that complex. Anyway....

I just spent Two Hundred dollars on clothes I don't even want for a job that demands that I only wear black which is ridiculous because I work in a field where I often spill shit all over myself and it' just stands out more on black clothes. When I think of all of the candy and magazines, music and novels, face creams and vitamins I could have bought with Two Hundred dollars....I gag.

I'm still addicted to sugar. I exercise like a dog and eat right all week and screw it up on Saturday with my nearly rotten sweet tooth. I saw a 20/20 special once about a woman on trial for killing her adopted son by poisoning him with salt and red pepper flakes but it believed by everyone that her son ate a lethal amount of salt on his own because he had a disorder that made him crave salt. I wonder if you can have an addiction, I mean a real addiction to sugar. If so, I think I have that. I mean, I ate the entire center of a chocolate cake at once a few months ago.

I wish that I could blog like the rest of you. I don't ever know what to say. I would love to speak on politics like so many of you because along with my exciting County Trotting career as a beauty representative I am actually quite interested and up to date on my world news but whenever I feel the urge to share my opinion on something I think about how many people have probably already done a better job at it than I and give up.

My locs look like shit sometimes. They are finally at my shoulders and I think that your average schlep rock would say that I have pretty hair but they are just so damn fuzzy. I hate that...

I guess if you wanna read about racist turn of the century cinema, food addictions and bad hair do's I'm your girl because the important things in life just aren't my cup of Sugar.

I need a Sugar Daddy!

I just love those candies don't you. I was making a plea to older men at first but decided to retain my dignity instead. I hate my job but that's no reason to wimp out and become a gold digger. Besides, being some dudes piece is probably as shitty a job as the one I have right now.

Yes that's right, I gots me a job!! I hate it. You didn't even know I was looking for a job or without work because I am so terrible at this blogging thing. Yeah, I have been ungainfully unemployed for a long while now and have been blessed by God with a good Job that pays well and that I hate. Let me say that if I weren't so shy I would absolutely love my job but I am a little pussy with no spine so I can't get into the groove of this work.

Long story longer, I interviewed a few months ago for a job at a department store with a makeup line. Didn't get the job because of my shyness and lack of experience with sales. I must salute the lovely lady that interviewed me because she fought like hell to get me hired. She sent me on about three interviews with different companies and they all liked me a lot and seemed to want to hire me if only I would assert myself and be more comfortable in my own skin. Well imagine my stomach turning nausea and shock when about two months later, one of the companies that had rejected me called in the middle of my bran flake breakfast to ask me if I would like to become a Freelance makeup artist. Never one to tell a person when I am scared shitless and still completely inexperienced I jumped at the offer.

Well here it is a month since that fateful day and I have been working about three times a week as a traveling Makeup Artist. I feel like I'm in the Circus and judging from the work that I have been doing I think I missed my calling. I basically go from store to store doing peoples makeup, selling them makeup and mentally shitting myself for hours at a time. I'm getting better at it every time and I'm just going to take the fact that my boss (yes, I will admit that the fact that I have a boss is kinda cool) keeps sending me to very important events and giving me these great opportunities is proof that I'm not as much of a failure as I think I am.

My schedule is kinda poopy too. I usually get weekend work which really blows as Saturday morning is usually my pancake and "Wait, Wait, don't tell me" time. My first Saturday was a shock to my system as my boss had warned me that she was just going to throw me into the fire.

6:45am until 6:30pm doing makeup and trying to get cheap people that can easily afford what I just spent forty five minutes applying to their face to now buy it. I have now spent about ten such occasions and it never ceases to amaze me that women and girls will wake up and go to a mall at 6:00 in the morning on a Saturday for the sake of free samples.

I've noticed though that I work best alone. I am fortunate to work with wonderful people but I am so self conscious that I feel like every suggestion is an attack and assurance of my impending termination. I am sure though that this time next month I will have found my groove and will be confident and happy because I love this job, I just hate the work. I have loved doing makeup for about twelve years now and am very good at it. It's just the selling that I am afraid of. I don't know why I feel like these women that set these appointments, no one put a gun up to their heads and made them come to me but for some reason I feel like I'm taking advantage of them. I don't know.....Pray for me because Friday and Saturday are gonna be two of those long days that require me to stand in one place for nine hours trying to convince people to buy stuff and I'm no good at it.

Send me your good vibes and energy.

I Survived!

Can you imagine what it must feel like to be eaten by a Shark?

Just do it.

I swear, I choose the stupidest titles for my posts.

I'm sitting here watching Nancy Grace, wanting to hurl my Swiss Roll at the TV but that would be a wast of a good Swiss Roll. This woman really pisses me off with all of her stupid instigation but that isn't the point of this post so I will digress.

I'm sitting here on a friday night with no plans to go anywhere or do anything and I'm wondering why am I not reading? I must have about seventy five books in my bedroom alone and I have to say that reading is my favorite hobby and yet I don't feel like reading. I am lucky to have a mom that used to be a voracious reader and so before I could drive I would just read her books. My mom is a romantic at heart so most of her books were love stories but that suited me fine back then. A young hormonal teenager has no problem reading love stories but after I started driving I made the Boarders books store my second home and discovered a new part of myself.

I remember the first time I went to the bookstore by myself. It was a typical boring saturday afternoon and I was driving aimlessly listening to A Prairie Home Companion. You see now why I was a lonely young woman with my tastes....I decided to go to the book store because I just love that atmosphere and I wanted a slice of that cheese cake. I walked through the Non-Fiction section and for some reason my heart was pounding. It was so overwhelming, I don't know why but I always get a little nervous when trying to find a new book. Books can be expensive and if you don't like the book it's like pouring money in the trash can and then you are just stuck with this crappy book. I don't know why but it feels almost sacreligeous to throw a book away, someone's hard work just being discarded...that is until I started recycling. I have recycled so many books man...

I remember the first book I bought that day after scouring the shelves for almost an hour. A crappy little romance aimed at young modern women, you know the story. Woman has shitty job but good friends. Can't find love but has a friend of a friend that she didn't know has loved her for years...Ugh. Maybe it's because I didn't have a boyfriend at the time that books like that appealed to me but boy they sucked. The one good thing about that experience is that I learned to be fearless in my book buying. I learned to take chances on books and not to just stick to the typical boy, girl thing. The thing about me is that once I start a book I must finish it as soon as possible. That's something that I would like to change. As much as I love to read I make it a job and sometimes miss out on the pleasure of the anticipation of picking the book up again. I remember a 700 page novel that I finished in about eight hours. I loved that book and I wish that I had given myself more time to read it. I had to go and find another book.

The best book purchase that I have ever made was a complete fluke and one of the best purchases I have ever made. I was just about to buy another one of those "I'm gorgeous but lonely with no hope of ever finding a decent job until Mr. Multi Millionaire comes along and sees the real me books" when I saw a glossy red paperback staring at me. On the cover were the words "Straight Man" with the image of a goose looking rather startled at the bottom of the page. Something about that image made me giggle and of course I thought that Straight Man meant something else...piqued my interest. On a whim I read the back cover and decided to give it a try alongside that dumb ass romance. I'd like to say that I read it over the course of a few weeks but I was done with it the next day and it is still my favorite book. I take it with me whenever I go on a trip because as long as I have it I'm entertained. Come on, a book about a smart ass college professor that threatens to kill a duck a day unless his financial demands are met.!

I became obsessed with reading after that and racked up quite a collection of books. I love the feeling of transportation that a good book gives me. I wish sometimes that I could write a book but I am too impatient to flesh any writing out and to hard on myself to be patient. I'm no snob when it comes to reading either. What makes you happy, makes you happy. I like a good romance as long as it is a good one. I like my Vivian Tam just fine. I just finished my ninth book in the Sookie Stackhouse series that inspired "True Blood" and they are a lot of campy fun. I have read everything from Jane Eyre to the occasional Harlequin. You know what...don't read those. I can honestly say I think that those are kind of detrimental to your happiness and taxing on your brain power. I'm not a snob but the rich man, dumb girl thing is played out. Truth be told I have probably read more crappy books than good but to me the good ones make it worth all the effort. So, I guess i'll read into my bookshelf and pick something out. Finish my Swiss Roll, turn off Nancy Graces prattling and read a book.

P.S. Any grammatical errors are due to this keyboard with the candy stuck in the keys, I like to snack while I type.

Those Backsliders, Backsliders!

Backsliders hunh, sounds like a lunchtime special at the Red Robin. I feel so ashamed. I missed church today. I have been on a mission to serve the lord in person this month and I am off to a terrible start. I would like to make the argument that I am without vehicular transportation because my sister took my car so that she could go to church, so I guess that her soul is safe but I could have gotten to church if I really wanted to. I would like to make the argument that I am still scarred by my experience in july at the church of the holy monster of perpetual misery, after my run in with the shriveled little dragon lady with the head like a totem pole, but I can't use that as an excuse.

For me, church is like exercising. Yes, sometimes I fell sweaty and my heart rate goes bonkers and while I don't end up on my hands and knees that often in church I feel that this is a good comparison. It takes about thirty minutes every day for me to get the gumption to work out, same thing with church. I don't want to go but when I get there I sure am happy I came. Keep me in your prayers. Jesus got on the cross so the least I can do is get on my feet and praise my father. Peace...

Ode to sister Skinny Jeans. i'm bored...

You smoke like a Chimney, You eat like a hog, You drink like a fish and You sleep like a log.
You think you're immortal but let's not pretend Continue indulging Your life will soon end.
You're huffing and puffing from doing one squat. You claim that you're healthy All I say is NOT!
I try to persuade you a fruitless endeavor. I say eat this salad You shriek and say Never! You can go no further than past your front yard cause all of your goodies are soaking in lard.
Please don't pass out somewhere that I can't find you. Be smart and put all this gluttony behind you. I hope you don't lapse into some deep coma I guess I'll just wait and then follow the aroma.

Your favorite food groups are Crisco and Cola, I won't donate organs I'll just shrug and say told ya!
I know you were brought up on Fried chicken and corn but it's been thirty years since the day you were born. You're skinny and cute and muscular to boot but you're veins remind me of Magnolia tree roots.
It's hard to kick habits before you see damage, keep eating like this and the guys will say damn b****.

In the bible it says that the bodies a temple, God didn't know that you were so simple. A temple is meant to be adorned and praised. A Temple's not meant to be basted and braised. You're temple could do with a nice herbal cleanse just remember to go out and buy some Depends.

I say these things not to hurt or betray you. You're nice and that's how I want to portray you. I love you and want you to be here for years. You're lifestyle is going to have us in tears.

If you end up hooked up to an iron lung, don't expect me to come feed you your tums. Heart pills are costly but exercise cheap. I won't pay your healthcare so please don't weep if instead of a coffin you lie in a heap. A heap in the backlot of some cemetery in a bag that say Hefty or Ziploc or Jerry's.

Maybe instead we should just cremate you. Then you'll know how it feels to be Satan's teammate too. I'll keep you in a bucket next to my waist bin, It's not fair how you eat and still keep your waist thin. Cremations a good choice if you should expire, I'll admit that I do want to set you on fire.

In closing, I'll say that I really do love you. I just hope I don't have to say this from the ground above you. You inspired this silly rambling without even knowing as I watch you eat like a lawn mower mowing.
Slow down, swallow, is all I suggest. Bones aren't meant for you to ingest. Keep smiling, keep laughing and remember my words. If we can't trace your scent you'll be food for the birds.

When are you going back to college?

When are you going back to college? If one more person asks me that question again, I'm gonna gut them with my well concealed pocket machete. Long story short, girl goes to college, girl's dad kicks it, girl goes back to school but stops doing school work. School suggests that girl take a semester off, girl's mom agrees and honestly girl wants to as well. Girl never returns. College was just sad and depressing at first. I was scared and lonely, shy and unsure of myself and above all I was unprepared.

I have loved Opera since I was fourteen years old. I was a total dork in high school so unlike all of the kids that were meeting up with friends on saturday nights and having sleepovers I was at home channel surfing while my dad gave my mom foot a massage. As usual, nothing was on until I stumbled upon a Metropolitan Opera broadcast "Die Entfuhrung aus dem Serail" and I was entranced. I didn't know what in hell I was listening to but it was glorious and I was in love. I decided soon after that I was meant to sing Opera and was blessed with a father that always went out of his way to make sure I had the chance to at least try the things I was interested in. He found a student at a local University to give me lessons on saturdays and until I went to college, Opera was my life.

My folks would buy me tickets to the Opera and though no one ever wanted to go with me I loved every performance. Though there was always a nagging in the back of my mind that I would never be good enough to end up on the stage still I dreamt. I was pretty good too, I won first place for DC in the NAACP ACT-SO competition, well the regionals at least. I also studied at a National Opera Houses young artist program. The one thing that little stupid didn't do is study her Music Theory and Piano skills. Man, when I went to college I thought that I was going to blow those people away with my voice. That's when I was stunned into the reality that I was in way over my head . These guys had been studying the Piano and Music Theory since they were little and had been performing in programs and shows for years. The most I had done outside of my little aforementioned triumphs was sing in church for my Dad at his Anniversary's.

Music Theory is an evil, one eyed, vindictive bitch that takes no prisoners. I'm talking too much so just let me say that I failed that class three times before I left. I was pretty good at Piano but without Theory I was nothing. I thought that I had a great voice but without the protective cocoon of my family and friends giving me support and confidence I really sucked. I got cotton mouth whenever I sang and never tried out for anything. The only place I flourished was in my voice lessons. Those were my sanctuary and the only place that I was truly happy. The final straw came when, after my Theory final, my teacher told me that I should consider a career outside of singing because my theory was terrible. I understand helpful criticism but telling me that broke my heart. She was telling me that although I have a fantastic voice that with training would only grow stronger and that I must stop singing because I can't grasp a subject that won't really serve me once I leave college. Theory is incredibly important don't get me wrong but not being good at it is no reason to throw away your dreams. After that and being told to take a break I decided to leave and stay gone and it was the stupidest decision of my life.

Opera makes me feel a joy in my heart that I have never experienced doing anything else. I am now a makeup artist and though I do enjoy making people look and feel their best, I don't want to do this forever. I'd be just as happy making only myself look and feel good. I regret not getting my degree every day of my life especially when I think about where I could be right now had I just gone ahead and stuck it out. That's why I hate it whenever anyone asks me when I'm going back. What do they really want me to say? "Tomorrow, i'll go tomorrow", you have just given me the push that I need to get this done. Geez, I don't know what I'm gonna do or when I'm gonna do it, I know that time is a ticking and that I may very well blow it by not going soon but you asking only pisses me off and embarrasses me. I know what I have to do and when I'm ready to do it damnit, I will. You hear that Sis....

Is it ok to hit an Old Lady?

I know the answer to this question already, No. I tell you though, the devil is everywhere and I believe I met his evil ass today in church. I have recently decided to start going back to church after about a six year hiatus. Since my Dad died I just haven't had the heart to go to church. I know that doesn't give me any right to turn my back on fellowship with the Lord but hey, i'm a heathen. Well last week I went to a church close to my home and it was alright even though they gave a twenty minute lecture on tithing and actually told us that offerings of anything less than ten dollars wasn't enough. That's nothing though compared to a church I attended once where the pastor said that one dime of each dollar we give goes to the Lord, the implication being that the other ninety cent's goes to him, huh.

Anyway....I decided to go back to last weeks church since I was running late and was seated by a very nice usher. She seated me next to an older lady that resembled a head off of a Totem Pole. To each his own but she actually had her hair plaited and sticking out in every direction like she'd been shocked. Made me laugh...

Well, she had her keys in the seat that I was given to sit in and she just stared at the usher and I like we were asking her to give up her seat. I just wanted to take her keys seat. She finally took the keys and threw them on the ground in front of her (I didn't see her do this, I thought she held on to them). So a few minutes later I see these keys on the ground and they look identical to mine so I pick them up thinking I dropped them. That is when she slaps my hand and says "Since you took my seat, the keys stay on the ground". I thought she was joking but realized they were not mine and apologized. Next, she jabs me in the side with her bony little elbow and asks me if i'm asleep during the sermon since my head is down. I have locs that cover my eyes but the fact that my fingers were scanning a bible verse should have tipped her off that I was reading. I told her I was reading and she told me that I need to stop reading and pay attention to the minister. It went on like this for about an hour before she bolted out of there after asking me if I was saved.

I am a tactful person so I would never try to be overtly rude and I know when to just let stuff go but I can't decide whether or not I feel like a punk for letting someone talk to me like that or if I was just following my parents advice and just letting her be miserable. I would like to pretend that I'm just a good, respectful person but no...I feel like a punk. I wanted to tell her to back the hell off or just get up and move to another seat. My sister told me it was just the devil trying to distract me from the Pastor's Message. I don't know but it just made me feel crummy. Why are people like that, especially in church. I'm not used to being treated like that in church. My Dad was my Pastor and I was used to being babied so maybe I need to just grow a backbone and shut up. I gotta say though, if I see her in the street, It's on!

Well, I'm about two weeks too late but...

Happy Fathers Day Daddy!

I'm am the single crappiest daughter on the face of the Earth. I didn't do anything for Fathers Day this year. I didn't visit my Dad, I didn't go to church or say anything to my Mom about him. I just went on like it was any other day. I used to visit him every week after church when he first died but then I quit going to church and eventually my visit's ended too. Going to church and not seeing him in the Pulpit preaching was just too much for me and I didn't feel like I was with my church family anymore and a friend of mine told me that my visits to him were morbid and wouldn't bring him back. I shouldn't have listened to my friend because that is my Daddy and I'll damn well do as I please if it makes me feel better.

I just recently started church hopping and it feels so weird. I was a member of my Dad's church my whole life and I'm used to a certain type of service and I can't help but be bothered by certain things now. The church I went to last sunday was really nice until they got to the offering. My Dad never hassled people for donations by telling them how much they should give or lecturing them for not giving enough and this church went on for a good ten minutes about how much we should tithe, and how offering had to start at ten dollars. I was just really uncomfortable with that. I think that I am looking for things to dislike about churches as well because I just want to go to my dad's church and since he isn't here I'd just rather not go. We'll see...

Back to Dad. He was everything that I hope to be someday and am proud to say that I am alot like him. I once saw him actually give the coat off his back to a young man walking to school one cold fall morning. He was very shy but he knew how to suck it up when he needed to and get down to business. He hated to fight and whenever he had to he would look miserable afterwards and need to be alone for a few minutes. In my entire life we only got to go on one vacation when I was nineteen because he was always afraid to leave the church. We went to Disney World and had a great time just hanging out. He passed away three months later and he told me that it was the best week of his life. I miss him a lot but I don't have any regrets, I just get sad sometimes. I had the best possible sendoff with him, my sisters didn't get that and I think that's why they are still so torn up about it at times. The day before he left he told me that I was his best friend. The day he passed, he took me back to college and when I got out of the car I told him that I love him, gave him a big hug and said that I would see him next week. Well, I didn't see him but I know that I will so i'll be patient.

P.S. Thanks for sneaking me all of those candy bars dad.

Puff, Puff, Pass

Quick question, Why would a person start smoking? I just don't understand it. There is absolutely no incentive there. My sister is trying to stop smoking for the five hundred and sixty second time.

Her situation is not the same as most of the young people that I know. People always say that they became smokers because they wanted to appear cool around their friends and thought that they would not become addicted and one pack later they were hooked.

My sister on the other hand was born with a fatty in her fist. In her defense, my entire family smokes with the exception of my parents. Our Grandparents were chain smokers that lived right next door and I remember my sister and I stealing their butts and smoking them or taking drags off of their lit cigarettes when they left the room and apparently my sister never stopped. So now here she sits babbling, cussing and acting a fool. She has the nicotine gum but she claims it makes her tongue numb so she won't chew it. I don't know....you should see her, it's hilarious. I never really respected how strong the addiction to cigarettes is but after seeing this I get it.

I just felt like typing..