Oops!

I AM AN ASSHOLE! I'm not an asshole every day, actually I'm quite nice. Today though (from about 9:35pm until whenever he calls me back, I'm an asshole). Only one person probably feels this way about me right now and I'm hoping that the two or three people that read this won't agree with him after reading the rest of this. The only reason that I had the epiphany that I am having now is because of my assholery.

I have a very nice young man in my life that I will talk about more at a later time. Long story short, I have been with him since about 2004. We were serious at first but I knew he wasn't right for me and so about two and a half years ago I started distancing myself. Apparently I was only distancing myself in ways that I noticed because he still thought that everything was cool. I don't believe in all of that astrological mumbo jumbo but he is always saying that my being a Gemini is the reason for the roller coaster that is my personality. Actually I'm just the baby of the family and a spoiled brat in general, which leads me to believe that I can get away with anything (hey, at least I'm acknowledging it). So, for the last couple of years, we have been seeing each other a few times a week and we talk regularly but I have withdrew almost all affection and hurt him quite a bit I'm sure. Basically I'm a coward that doesn't want to hurt any ones feelings and in my pathetic attempt at doing so am just drawing out the pain and setting myself up for a murder/suicide situation.

Well, today I screwed up bad and now I can't enjoy my chocolate cake. I hadn't spoken to him all day and when he finally called I was less than friendly. I was just joking but I need to just learn to say hello. Well, ordinarily this greeting would have been okay but his Grandmother just had a heart attack and he was calling to let me know. I AM AN ASSHOLE! He cussed me out and tried to get off of the phone, I calmed him down and we talked for about twenty minutes before disconnecting. I feel like the scum of the earth. This got me to thinking though. I love this man like a brother. We have been friends for about twenty years now and only started dating after my dad died. I was not in my right mind at the time and now realise that friends is all that we ever should have been but seven years later and a whole lot of ASSHOLE moments on my part and here we are. I'm so scared for his Grandma but I'm also scared about the future. I have no place in his life and it's times like this that I realise that he deserves someone with a loving shoulder to cry on.

Word of advice people. Be fearless in the decisions that you make. Have enough heart to be honest about your feelings because being a coward about things is repugnant. You think that you are being kind but in actuality it's all about you and your fear of making people hate you. Giving people false hope is just the most selfish thing that you can do. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I'm tactful enough to know what I'm not gonna do but I really don't know what to say or do right now.