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I was your typical shy teenager. I didn't have a lot of friends and on weekends it was usually my parents and I down at the IHOP or watching a movie. That sounds like a lot of fun and it was but it really inhibited me. I have never found it easy to talk to people without blushing and damn near having a pulmonary embolism. My dad was incredibly shy as well and in his line of work that was a trait that was very tricky to get around. My dad was the pastor of our church and I was always so amazed to watch him walk into the Pulpit, you could hear a slight tremor in his voice but five minutes later he was transformed into a confident man of God on a mission.

I was never able to transition that easily from Wallflower to happy participant. I was recently told by someone that I am a pessimist. I never thought about it but it's not the first time I've heard that. The first time was on my prom night. Now what in the world was going on on my prom night that it would even come up? Maybe there is something to be considered here. Well the recent guy said that I am always waiting for the worst possible scenario to go down. Apparently I am afraid that if anyone shows the slightest interest in getting to know me, they will learn what a loser I am and I will be totally embarrassed. Okay, he's got a point. I am a bit of a late bloomer. I feel sometimes that I am so far behind all of the people I know that are my age. I feel like I should be so much further ahead. My only solace is in the fact that I have always clung to the belief that whatever is meant for you won't pass you by. I also know that most people feel like they are lagging behind in one way or another.

I have a job that I don't really hate but I could like it a lot more if I weren't so nervous all the time. It's a job that requires that I be right in peoples face while being "charming, informative, kind and engaging". I'm not good at the whole engaging thing but it's a great job and I want to excel so I'm gonna have grow some balls asap. My voice teacher once told me that I was as cute as a button ( what does that mean ) and charming too. I've always held onto that when I've felt a little loserish. I'm so sick of the knot in my stomach and the cold sweat on my nose when I have to meet someone new or try something different. Advice is always welcome.

Oh my goodness, I've just read over this thing and can't believe how many sentences I started off with I. Ms. Nalepa told me in the third grade not to do that but I'm too lazy to change it now. I'm trying to get better at this writing thing so I'll do better next time. Gotta stop talking about myself so much. My family is full of nutballs that are much more screwed up and entertaining than me.

Oops!

I AM AN ASSHOLE! I'm not an asshole every day, actually I'm quite nice. Today though (from about 9:35pm until whenever he calls me back, I'm an asshole). Only one person probably feels this way about me right now and I'm hoping that the two or three people that read this won't agree with him after reading the rest of this. The only reason that I had the epiphany that I am having now is because of my assholery.

I have a very nice young man in my life that I will talk about more at a later time. Long story short, I have been with him since about 2004. We were serious at first but I knew he wasn't right for me and so about two and a half years ago I started distancing myself. Apparently I was only distancing myself in ways that I noticed because he still thought that everything was cool. I don't believe in all of that astrological mumbo jumbo but he is always saying that my being a Gemini is the reason for the roller coaster that is my personality. Actually I'm just the baby of the family and a spoiled brat in general, which leads me to believe that I can get away with anything (hey, at least I'm acknowledging it). So, for the last couple of years, we have been seeing each other a few times a week and we talk regularly but I have withdrew almost all affection and hurt him quite a bit I'm sure. Basically I'm a coward that doesn't want to hurt any ones feelings and in my pathetic attempt at doing so am just drawing out the pain and setting myself up for a murder/suicide situation.

Well, today I screwed up bad and now I can't enjoy my chocolate cake. I hadn't spoken to him all day and when he finally called I was less than friendly. I was just joking but I need to just learn to say hello. Well, ordinarily this greeting would have been okay but his Grandmother just had a heart attack and he was calling to let me know. I AM AN ASSHOLE! He cussed me out and tried to get off of the phone, I calmed him down and we talked for about twenty minutes before disconnecting. I feel like the scum of the earth. This got me to thinking though. I love this man like a brother. We have been friends for about twenty years now and only started dating after my dad died. I was not in my right mind at the time and now realise that friends is all that we ever should have been but seven years later and a whole lot of ASSHOLE moments on my part and here we are. I'm so scared for his Grandma but I'm also scared about the future. I have no place in his life and it's times like this that I realise that he deserves someone with a loving shoulder to cry on.

Word of advice people. Be fearless in the decisions that you make. Have enough heart to be honest about your feelings because being a coward about things is repugnant. You think that you are being kind but in actuality it's all about you and your fear of making people hate you. Giving people false hope is just the most selfish thing that you can do. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I'm tactful enough to know what I'm not gonna do but I really don't know what to say or do right now.