I want my Ba Ba!!!

Last Night, as I prepared my dinner with tears streaming down my face I realized a few things. First off, I noticed how hard it is to chop vegetables with a sharp knife when you can't see for the tears running down your face. I also noticed how hard it is to keep quiet when crying so that no one will hear you but your hands are covered in onion juice so you just cry harder..

My Father passed away seven years ago when I was 19. I have noticed since then that the things that I would once have brushed off and gotten over have now become mini dramas in my life. I have become so anxious over the last seven years and it amazes me that it took me so long to realize why.

My niece lost my car keys last night. Big deal huh, I have another set. Just go and get a copy made and get over it. Let's just say that I didn't get over it. Though I am proud that I didn't yell at her because it was just an accident, I can't believe that something like that ended in me crying over my fruit salad. A few years ago I would have been pissed but I would have been ok. Today all I can do is worry that I might lose the set I have and then have no, keys. What if my car alarm goes off and I can't turn the damn thing off because I have no panic button now. What if someone finds the keys and steals my car? What if?????? I can't believe that I have become this person.

To be fair, I was used to being taken care of when my dad was alive and afterwards everything just went crazy. My sister has/had the boyfriend from hell who after my dad passed went out of his way to make our lives quite unbearable for about three or four years but that's another story for another day and I will tell it. That shit has probably made me more anxious than anything and now I feel like I am just always waiting for the next pile of crap to fall into my lap. It never seems to end, stupid pointless shit that you can't learn a lesson from. Like God is just doing stuff to keep me busy. Why does my house have to be broken into, why do my tires have to be slashed, why does my sister love an asshole? I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back to the fruit salad. I don't want anyone to think i'm a wreck from a terrible family. Actually I come from a typical loving family that goes through shit like every family. We are like the onion family, there are many layers. Fortunately the good times usually outweigh the bad times. I feel though, like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I turn everything into a mini drama in my mind but I feel so stupid for feeling this way that I have to keep it to myself and it just festers. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to because opening up to my family makes me feel like i'm being felt up. You know what I mean....

When he first died I tried so hard to make everyone think I was ok that I think I may have really believed it and now the true feeling are making themselves known in the oddest ways. I buy his favorite foods sometimes even though I hate them. I talk to him when i'm alone. I cry over missing keys. I guess that is why I have this blog. Even if no one reads it, I feel good being able to communicate it to someone. I gotta relax. I feel though like I am coming out on the other end of the tunnel....Ps. I want my keys back though dammit.