Pop Rocks...

Ughh....I don't know what that title means but that is what I feel like I have in my head right now. By the way, Happy Memorial Day...anyway, back to me. Just when I thought I had my life somehow on track it starts to wander. My recipe for brownies is awesome, it goes a little something like this....damn, see what I mean?

I remember when I was twenty one, someone asked me why people felt like they needed to find themselves. I gave the dumbest answer for several reasons. One, because I was a twenty one year old dumbass who that thought she knew everything and also because I think I was trying to empress that person with my maturity and levelheadedness. I think my immaturity was the only thing I exhibited that day. I'm screwed on so many levels for that second reason but that's for another day. I answered if I remember correctly that I think everyone already knows who they are and that people are just being pretentious, dramatic and phony if they say they need to "find" themselves. I mean, what does that mean? You need to find yourself, where are you, you're right here. I didn't understand it then but boy I get it now.

I am able to admit now that I wasn't very wise at twenty one, not even very smart. I am nothing like the person that I was five years ago. I am still a spineless little baby, that can only speak up for herself under and incredible amount of pressure. I still think that I know everything but I am now willing to admit when I am wrong, if only to myself. I can't really explain it but all I can say is that if were to actually have done all of the idiotic things that I had claimed I didn't need time to wait to do five years ago, i'd be seriously screwed right now. I remember saying that I didn't need to wait until I was thirty to think about marriage because I know who I am and what I want and why should I wait. Only a weak person would wait for that....can you believe that shit.

Well, God bless carrot sticks that I never got married and had babies because that isn't what I wanted and only now am I able to admit it to myself without feeling like some sort of Godless monster, that's also another story for another day.

I am still a complete wreck of a person that has spine that is constantly collapsing and a guilt complex the size of texas and a constant knot in her stomach that only allow for about two meals a day. I am a good being though. I like this writing thing, I should do it more often, I might get better at it.

P.S. I should stop using I so much in my posts. It's about me but goodness....just realised that.