When are you going back to college?

When are you going back to college? If one more person asks me that question again, I'm gonna gut them with my well concealed pocket machete. Long story short, girl goes to college, girl's dad kicks it, girl goes back to school but stops doing school work. School suggests that girl take a semester off, girl's mom agrees and honestly girl wants to as well. Girl never returns. College was just sad and depressing at first. I was scared and lonely, shy and unsure of myself and above all I was unprepared.

I have loved Opera since I was fourteen years old. I was a total dork in high school so unlike all of the kids that were meeting up with friends on saturday nights and having sleepovers I was at home channel surfing while my dad gave my mom foot a massage. As usual, nothing was on until I stumbled upon a Metropolitan Opera broadcast "Die Entfuhrung aus dem Serail" and I was entranced. I didn't know what in hell I was listening to but it was glorious and I was in love. I decided soon after that I was meant to sing Opera and was blessed with a father that always went out of his way to make sure I had the chance to at least try the things I was interested in. He found a student at a local University to give me lessons on saturdays and until I went to college, Opera was my life.

My folks would buy me tickets to the Opera and though no one ever wanted to go with me I loved every performance. Though there was always a nagging in the back of my mind that I would never be good enough to end up on the stage still I dreamt. I was pretty good too, I won first place for DC in the NAACP ACT-SO competition, well the regionals at least. I also studied at a National Opera Houses young artist program. The one thing that little stupid didn't do is study her Music Theory and Piano skills. Man, when I went to college I thought that I was going to blow those people away with my voice. That's when I was stunned into the reality that I was in way over my head . These guys had been studying the Piano and Music Theory since they were little and had been performing in programs and shows for years. The most I had done outside of my little aforementioned triumphs was sing in church for my Dad at his Anniversary's.

Music Theory is an evil, one eyed, vindictive bitch that takes no prisoners. I'm talking too much so just let me say that I failed that class three times before I left. I was pretty good at Piano but without Theory I was nothing. I thought that I had a great voice but without the protective cocoon of my family and friends giving me support and confidence I really sucked. I got cotton mouth whenever I sang and never tried out for anything. The only place I flourished was in my voice lessons. Those were my sanctuary and the only place that I was truly happy. The final straw came when, after my Theory final, my teacher told me that I should consider a career outside of singing because my theory was terrible. I understand helpful criticism but telling me that broke my heart. She was telling me that although I have a fantastic voice that with training would only grow stronger and that I must stop singing because I can't grasp a subject that won't really serve me once I leave college. Theory is incredibly important don't get me wrong but not being good at it is no reason to throw away your dreams. After that and being told to take a break I decided to leave and stay gone and it was the stupidest decision of my life.

Opera makes me feel a joy in my heart that I have never experienced doing anything else. I am now a makeup artist and though I do enjoy making people look and feel their best, I don't want to do this forever. I'd be just as happy making only myself look and feel good. I regret not getting my degree every day of my life especially when I think about where I could be right now had I just gone ahead and stuck it out. That's why I hate it whenever anyone asks me when I'm going back. What do they really want me to say? "Tomorrow, i'll go tomorrow", you have just given me the push that I need to get this done. Geez, I don't know what I'm gonna do or when I'm gonna do it, I know that time is a ticking and that I may very well blow it by not going soon but you asking only pisses me off and embarrasses me. I know what I have to do and when I'm ready to do it damnit, I will. You hear that Sis....

Is it ok to hit an Old Lady?

I know the answer to this question already, No. I tell you though, the devil is everywhere and I believe I met his evil ass today in church. I have recently decided to start going back to church after about a six year hiatus. Since my Dad died I just haven't had the heart to go to church. I know that doesn't give me any right to turn my back on fellowship with the Lord but hey, i'm a heathen. Well last week I went to a church close to my home and it was alright even though they gave a twenty minute lecture on tithing and actually told us that offerings of anything less than ten dollars wasn't enough. That's nothing though compared to a church I attended once where the pastor said that one dime of each dollar we give goes to the Lord, the implication being that the other ninety cent's goes to him, huh.

Anyway....I decided to go back to last weeks church since I was running late and was seated by a very nice usher. She seated me next to an older lady that resembled a head off of a Totem Pole. To each his own but she actually had her hair plaited and sticking out in every direction like she'd been shocked. Made me laugh...

Well, she had her keys in the seat that I was given to sit in and she just stared at the usher and I like we were asking her to give up her seat. I just wanted to take her keys seat. She finally took the keys and threw them on the ground in front of her (I didn't see her do this, I thought she held on to them). So a few minutes later I see these keys on the ground and they look identical to mine so I pick them up thinking I dropped them. That is when she slaps my hand and says "Since you took my seat, the keys stay on the ground". I thought she was joking but realized they were not mine and apologized. Next, she jabs me in the side with her bony little elbow and asks me if i'm asleep during the sermon since my head is down. I have locs that cover my eyes but the fact that my fingers were scanning a bible verse should have tipped her off that I was reading. I told her I was reading and she told me that I need to stop reading and pay attention to the minister. It went on like this for about an hour before she bolted out of there after asking me if I was saved.

I am a tactful person so I would never try to be overtly rude and I know when to just let stuff go but I can't decide whether or not I feel like a punk for letting someone talk to me like that or if I was just following my parents advice and just letting her be miserable. I would like to pretend that I'm just a good, respectful person but no...I feel like a punk. I wanted to tell her to back the hell off or just get up and move to another seat. My sister told me it was just the devil trying to distract me from the Pastor's Message. I don't know but it just made me feel crummy. Why are people like that, especially in church. I'm not used to being treated like that in church. My Dad was my Pastor and I was used to being babied so maybe I need to just grow a backbone and shut up. I gotta say though, if I see her in the street, It's on!

Well, I'm about two weeks too late but...

Happy Fathers Day Daddy!

I'm am the single crappiest daughter on the face of the Earth. I didn't do anything for Fathers Day this year. I didn't visit my Dad, I didn't go to church or say anything to my Mom about him. I just went on like it was any other day. I used to visit him every week after church when he first died but then I quit going to church and eventually my visit's ended too. Going to church and not seeing him in the Pulpit preaching was just too much for me and I didn't feel like I was with my church family anymore and a friend of mine told me that my visits to him were morbid and wouldn't bring him back. I shouldn't have listened to my friend because that is my Daddy and I'll damn well do as I please if it makes me feel better.

I just recently started church hopping and it feels so weird. I was a member of my Dad's church my whole life and I'm used to a certain type of service and I can't help but be bothered by certain things now. The church I went to last sunday was really nice until they got to the offering. My Dad never hassled people for donations by telling them how much they should give or lecturing them for not giving enough and this church went on for a good ten minutes about how much we should tithe, and how offering had to start at ten dollars. I was just really uncomfortable with that. I think that I am looking for things to dislike about churches as well because I just want to go to my dad's church and since he isn't here I'd just rather not go. We'll see...

Back to Dad. He was everything that I hope to be someday and am proud to say that I am alot like him. I once saw him actually give the coat off his back to a young man walking to school one cold fall morning. He was very shy but he knew how to suck it up when he needed to and get down to business. He hated to fight and whenever he had to he would look miserable afterwards and need to be alone for a few minutes. In my entire life we only got to go on one vacation when I was nineteen because he was always afraid to leave the church. We went to Disney World and had a great time just hanging out. He passed away three months later and he told me that it was the best week of his life. I miss him a lot but I don't have any regrets, I just get sad sometimes. I had the best possible sendoff with him, my sisters didn't get that and I think that's why they are still so torn up about it at times. The day before he left he told me that I was his best friend. The day he passed, he took me back to college and when I got out of the car I told him that I love him, gave him a big hug and said that I would see him next week. Well, I didn't see him but I know that I will so i'll be patient.

P.S. Thanks for sneaking me all of those candy bars dad.