Just do it.

I swear, I choose the stupidest titles for my posts.

I'm sitting here watching Nancy Grace, wanting to hurl my Swiss Roll at the TV but that would be a wast of a good Swiss Roll. This woman really pisses me off with all of her stupid instigation but that isn't the point of this post so I will digress.

I'm sitting here on a friday night with no plans to go anywhere or do anything and I'm wondering why am I not reading? I must have about seventy five books in my bedroom alone and I have to say that reading is my favorite hobby and yet I don't feel like reading. I am lucky to have a mom that used to be a voracious reader and so before I could drive I would just read her books. My mom is a romantic at heart so most of her books were love stories but that suited me fine back then. A young hormonal teenager has no problem reading love stories but after I started driving I made the Boarders books store my second home and discovered a new part of myself.

I remember the first time I went to the bookstore by myself. It was a typical boring saturday afternoon and I was driving aimlessly listening to A Prairie Home Companion. You see now why I was a lonely young woman with my tastes....I decided to go to the book store because I just love that atmosphere and I wanted a slice of that cheese cake. I walked through the Non-Fiction section and for some reason my heart was pounding. It was so overwhelming, I don't know why but I always get a little nervous when trying to find a new book. Books can be expensive and if you don't like the book it's like pouring money in the trash can and then you are just stuck with this crappy book. I don't know why but it feels almost sacreligeous to throw a book away, someone's hard work just being discarded...that is until I started recycling. I have recycled so many books man...

I remember the first book I bought that day after scouring the shelves for almost an hour. A crappy little romance aimed at young modern women, you know the story. Woman has shitty job but good friends. Can't find love but has a friend of a friend that she didn't know has loved her for years...Ugh. Maybe it's because I didn't have a boyfriend at the time that books like that appealed to me but boy they sucked. The one good thing about that experience is that I learned to be fearless in my book buying. I learned to take chances on books and not to just stick to the typical boy, girl thing. The thing about me is that once I start a book I must finish it as soon as possible. That's something that I would like to change. As much as I love to read I make it a job and sometimes miss out on the pleasure of the anticipation of picking the book up again. I remember a 700 page novel that I finished in about eight hours. I loved that book and I wish that I had given myself more time to read it. I had to go and find another book.

The best book purchase that I have ever made was a complete fluke and one of the best purchases I have ever made. I was just about to buy another one of those "I'm gorgeous but lonely with no hope of ever finding a decent job until Mr. Multi Millionaire comes along and sees the real me books" when I saw a glossy red paperback staring at me. On the cover were the words "Straight Man" with the image of a goose looking rather startled at the bottom of the page. Something about that image made me giggle and of course I thought that Straight Man meant something else...piqued my interest. On a whim I read the back cover and decided to give it a try alongside that dumb ass romance. I'd like to say that I read it over the course of a few weeks but I was done with it the next day and it is still my favorite book. I take it with me whenever I go on a trip because as long as I have it I'm entertained. Come on, a book about a smart ass college professor that threatens to kill a duck a day unless his financial demands are met.!

I became obsessed with reading after that and racked up quite a collection of books. I love the feeling of transportation that a good book gives me. I wish sometimes that I could write a book but I am too impatient to flesh any writing out and to hard on myself to be patient. I'm no snob when it comes to reading either. What makes you happy, makes you happy. I like a good romance as long as it is a good one. I like my Vivian Tam just fine. I just finished my ninth book in the Sookie Stackhouse series that inspired "True Blood" and they are a lot of campy fun. I have read everything from Jane Eyre to the occasional Harlequin. You know what...don't read those. I can honestly say I think that those are kind of detrimental to your happiness and taxing on your brain power. I'm not a snob but the rich man, dumb girl thing is played out. Truth be told I have probably read more crappy books than good but to me the good ones make it worth all the effort. So, I guess i'll read into my bookshelf and pick something out. Finish my Swiss Roll, turn off Nancy Graces prattling and read a book.

P.S. Any grammatical errors are due to this keyboard with the candy stuck in the keys, I like to snack while I type.

Those Backsliders, Backsliders!

Backsliders hunh, sounds like a lunchtime special at the Red Robin. I feel so ashamed. I missed church today. I have been on a mission to serve the lord in person this month and I am off to a terrible start. I would like to make the argument that I am without vehicular transportation because my sister took my car so that she could go to church, so I guess that her soul is safe but I could have gotten to church if I really wanted to. I would like to make the argument that I am still scarred by my experience in july at the church of the holy monster of perpetual misery, after my run in with the shriveled little dragon lady with the head like a totem pole, but I can't use that as an excuse.

For me, church is like exercising. Yes, sometimes I fell sweaty and my heart rate goes bonkers and while I don't end up on my hands and knees that often in church I feel that this is a good comparison. It takes about thirty minutes every day for me to get the gumption to work out, same thing with church. I don't want to go but when I get there I sure am happy I came. Keep me in your prayers. Jesus got on the cross so the least I can do is get on my feet and praise my father. Peace...

Ode to sister Skinny Jeans. i'm bored...

You smoke like a Chimney, You eat like a hog, You drink like a fish and You sleep like a log.
You think you're immortal but let's not pretend Continue indulging Your life will soon end.
You're huffing and puffing from doing one squat. You claim that you're healthy All I say is NOT!
I try to persuade you a fruitless endeavor. I say eat this salad You shriek and say Never! You can go no further than past your front yard cause all of your goodies are soaking in lard.
Please don't pass out somewhere that I can't find you. Be smart and put all this gluttony behind you. I hope you don't lapse into some deep coma I guess I'll just wait and then follow the aroma.

Your favorite food groups are Crisco and Cola, I won't donate organs I'll just shrug and say told ya!
I know you were brought up on Fried chicken and corn but it's been thirty years since the day you were born. You're skinny and cute and muscular to boot but you're veins remind me of Magnolia tree roots.
It's hard to kick habits before you see damage, keep eating like this and the guys will say damn b****.

In the bible it says that the bodies a temple, God didn't know that you were so simple. A temple is meant to be adorned and praised. A Temple's not meant to be basted and braised. You're temple could do with a nice herbal cleanse just remember to go out and buy some Depends.

I say these things not to hurt or betray you. You're nice and that's how I want to portray you. I love you and want you to be here for years. You're lifestyle is going to have us in tears.

If you end up hooked up to an iron lung, don't expect me to come feed you your tums. Heart pills are costly but exercise cheap. I won't pay your healthcare so please don't weep if instead of a coffin you lie in a heap. A heap in the backlot of some cemetery in a bag that say Hefty or Ziploc or Jerry's.

Maybe instead we should just cremate you. Then you'll know how it feels to be Satan's teammate too. I'll keep you in a bucket next to my waist bin, It's not fair how you eat and still keep your waist thin. Cremations a good choice if you should expire, I'll admit that I do want to set you on fire.

In closing, I'll say that I really do love you. I just hope I don't have to say this from the ground above you. You inspired this silly rambling without even knowing as I watch you eat like a lawn mower mowing.
Slow down, swallow, is all I suggest. Bones aren't meant for you to ingest. Keep smiling, keep laughing and remember my words. If we can't trace your scent you'll be food for the birds.