Puff, Puff, Pass

Quick question, Why would a person start smoking? I just don't understand it. There is absolutely no incentive there. My sister is trying to stop smoking for the five hundred and sixty second time.

Her situation is not the same as most of the young people that I know. People always say that they became smokers because they wanted to appear cool around their friends and thought that they would not become addicted and one pack later they were hooked.

My sister on the other hand was born with a fatty in her fist. In her defense, my entire family smokes with the exception of my parents. Our Grandparents were chain smokers that lived right next door and I remember my sister and I stealing their butts and smoking them or taking drags off of their lit cigarettes when they left the room and apparently my sister never stopped. So now here she sits babbling, cussing and acting a fool. She has the nicotine gum but she claims it makes her tongue numb so she won't chew it. I don't know....you should see her, it's hilarious. I never really respected how strong the addiction to cigarettes is but after seeing this I get it.

I just felt like typing..

My Sister....whom I love....I think..

I wish that Dr. Jekyll would just would just kill the Ms. Hyde inside of my sister before I have to kill them both. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination though I like to pretend I am. As a matter of fact I am usually the reason for most of our fights because I am a brat, I was the baby of the family and as such there were certain privileges that I came to expect. I was always able to get away with talking back to my parents without getting in trouble, a rare feat in our household. I like to think though that I was a pretty level headed kid and that aside from that I was a pleasure to raise. I never threw tantrums, I wasn't blatantly disrespectful and I wasn't one of those violent little spit and kickers that you see on Nanny 911 crying because it's bedtime. Now don't get me wrong, I was scared shitless about going to bed every night but that was only because we lived in a 100 year old house in the back of the woods and I shared a room with a sister who claimed that she turned into a vampire at night and that she was going to kill me some day.

Now, back to Ms. Hyde. I love my sister with all of my heart, that's probably why our situation is so frustrating. Long story short, she was my best buddy until the evil one came into her life at sixteen, demolished whatever self awareness she had, knocked her up, introduced her to the pleasures of being an occasional bitch and helped her unleash her inner megabeast. Since then my sis and I have a relationship that is balanced on the blade of a knife and i'm scared that one day i'm gonna stab her with it. Whenever she needs to confide in someone, I am the first person she runs to and the next day when she's off doing the same crap that she was just rebuking and I have the audacity to call her on it, I am a fat bitch(she knows which buttons to push).

We both have mouths that would make Captain Kidd blush. I won't lie, when I fight with her I try to remain calm but all it takes is her raising her voice or telling me to respect her just because she's a few years older and I can blow up, logic be damned and I'm calling everything but a sister. She can go at it toe to toe though so don't feel bad for her. The thing that kills me though is that ten minutes later we are best friends again. Going through this for so many years has left me with all kinds of nervous habits that I need to overcome. I clean all the time because I need something to control and I am never without my IPOD so that I can block her out if i'm in no mood to talk to her. I am at an age though where cussing and yelling is just pathetic and I can't run around with a ball in my stomach anymore worrying about when our next fight might occur. Just last night we hung out and had a blast, we talked about all the mistakes we've made in life and promised to be better sisters and now this morning she's walking around cussing and snarling, in her defense she is just an evil ass in the morning but that is just a behavior that she has been allowed to get away with, it's played out now though and she needs to get a new trick.

Long story short, too late I know..I won't talk about all of the crap I need to fix about myself because this is my blog and if you wanna trash talk me sis, get your own blog. Get it together, choose one personality and stick with it. We all have bad days and need to lash out but not all day long. You only do that shit with me and that's why it must end.

Don't be singing no happy birthday to me.

Well, I am happy to say that I made it through another year, but I officially feel old. I know that is a ridiculous comment to make at my age but I do. I know it is because I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought that I would be living in another state, with an established career and more self awareness than I have right now. If I were where I wanted to be I would celebrate today like any other day but I feel like i'm just starting off in life and by the time I do get it together i'll be 37 and then i'll really feel old.

I'm so superficial. That was a stupid paragraph to type but i'm not gonna delete it because hopefully sometime soon I will look at it and laugh.

My mom told me that when I was four I was a shy little girl and that I didn't like it when I was the center of attention (something that I still don't like). When my birthday would roll around I would enjoy the entire day until it was time to eat the cake. Whenever She my Dad and Sisters would sing Happy Birthday I would turn beet red because they were all staring at me. I would then turn around stomp out of the Kitchen and go sit on the steps yelling "Don't be singing no happy birthday to me". I don't do that anymore even though I want to for different reason.

I guess i'll shut up though because even though I don't like getting older I do like being alive and I hope to see this day next year.

And then there was one...

Well, this just blew my day. I remeber being introduced to the Golden Girls when I was five years old and falling in love. My sister would sit on the floor in the living room and watch them as we shared a pomegranate. I didn't know then why I loved this show so much, I just liked the old ladies that reminded me of my Grandma. I truly understood the genius of this show when I was a teenager. Brilliant writing and Fantastic acting, two things that are sorely missed in sitcom television these days. I own every season of this show and can probably recite all of the lines to every episode.

Today we lost Rue Mcclanahan and Blanch Devereaux and all I can say is "I love you Betty".