BUTTHEAD!!

I feel like a big old Doody Head right now! You see, this sisterhood shit is a trip. Guilt thy name is Sisterhood.

HATE Speech

I HATE my sister!! Boy that felt good. It also felt pretty bad. I have had to accept the fact though that I hate her. I know that it is never to late to change things but I am so tired and so over it. I don't want to change things with this woman, I just want to get as far away from her as I possibly can as quickly as I can. I hesitate to even write this because I believe that you invite lessons by way of horrible things happening. I don't want to say how I feel and then get the phone call that my sister is dead and then feel like shit. That would suck...

Ok, I don't really hate my sister. I love her with all of my heart but I truly don't like her most of the time. The part that pisses me off is that we have the kind of relationship that is great one minute and then shiteous the next. My sister has a boatload of baggage that makes her incredibly unbearable. Long story short, Girl meets boy, boy impregnates and abuses girl, Boy terrorizes girls Mother and sisters, Girl sticks by boys side, Boy goes to jail, Girl still chooses boy over girl, Boy doesn't change, Girl get's mad a family for not loving boy.

I resent my sister more than anything in this world. I, for about a year spent almost every evening lying for my sister, cleaning up after her stupidity, going to court with her and letting her use my car to do her dirt and you would think that the bitch would remember that but in her silly little mind, we owe her. I am the kind of person that would rather go without if I can't figure out a way to do things on my own. I never ask anyone for favors because I don't want to be seen as weak and because I hate the idea of owing people. I hate owing people because on the few occasions that I have needed something from my sister, she has been quick to throw it up in my face as soon as we had a fight. The extent of her help to me mind you being that she twisted my locs a few times. Hell, I even learned to do that so that I wouldn't have to ask her to do it.

My sister suffers from this belief that I am a spoiled little brat that never does a thing for anyone. I will admit that I was my Mom and Dad's little baby and I had a much better relationship with them than she ever did for various reasons. Some of the fault lying with them and some with her. I won't argue the merits of her belief because I would look like a total asshole trying to argue the merits of my character but I have always thought that I was a pretty good person. My sister has a big problem with a person proclaiming that they are a good person, like you aren't supposed to be aware of it. What the hell is up with that? You know if you are a bad person so why wouldn't you know otherwise?

My sister is really bad with taking her anger out on the people that it belongs to as well. If she's mad, the nearest target is in trouble. It is a shame that whenever my sister comes around I get a knot in my stomach and my defenses immediately go up because God only knows if I'm gonna get my good sister or her evil other side. She is the kind of person that can be a jerk and then five minutes come back and be as nice and can be. I'm sorry but I need an apology before I start singing lullabies with you after a fight. I just resent this twerp so very much and I don't know what to do.

You know, I just know that we will never have a truly healthy relationship so the only way that we can have a decent one is to get the hell away from each other. If I don't have to interact with her every day and see her behavior first hand I can just pretend that it doesn't exist and we will get along much better.

So long story short, I don't hate my sister. I highly dislike her a lot of the time but I love her. Would I give her a piece of my liver? Absolutely! Would I give her a Kidney? Hell, No! The Kidney regenerates itself, if I give her a piece it will grow back. Once I give her a Kidney, it's gone forever and as bad as she treats her body it would be a waste. I'd probably take her to court to get it back.

I need professional help or an English tutor.

I don't really think that I'm a extremely self absorbed person but I just read my last post and cannot believe how many of my sentences start with "I". Mrs. Nalepa, my third grade teacher always said that we shouldn't begin all of our sentences with the word "I" because it's boring and lazy. I'm going to believe that I'm just lazy and boring for now and go brush up on my grammar because the other possibility is very unattractive.

My life hurts...

My job has me standing on my feet all day walking in circles. So damn boring but the money is good and every hour or so I get to have about fifteen minutes of fun so I guess that forty five minutes of tedium isn't so bad. At least I have a job. I'm working on not being such a self absorbed whiner and I have to tell you, it's no fun. I like talking about myself, thinking about myself and fantasizing about myself. I do like cooking for others though. That's how I nurture, and i'm damn good at it too. I just made the best yellow sheet cake with cream cheese frosting and I have nobody to feed it to.

That's my biggest problem, I like to cook but I also like to eat and that's why I can't shed those pesky ten pounds. See, talking about myself again...I have taken a week long break on the work outs. I usually work out Mon thru Fri but every couple of months my knees just go to hell and the idea of a squat or a lunge just scares me to death. I keep having daydreams about being in the middle of a set of lunges and my knee bone just popping out of it's socket and tearing through my skin, leaving me in a pile on the floor screaming for help in my basement where no one can hear me. Knee bone, you like that don't you. Well, i'm too lazy to look up the medical terminology right now.

I want to write a book, or maybe just a short story. I want to do something and finish it. I want to impress someone. I impress myself already but the things that I do aren't really things that I can show off. "Hey look at this new scarf I knitted" isn't the show stopper you'd think it is. I don't know why but it pisses me off when people don't gush over the food that I cook for them. (More on my Thanksgiving feast when I feel up to not being a lazy ass). Suffice it to say that I cooked a HUGE holiday feast and was left home alone to eat it, I even brined the damn turkey for 24 hours. I make the best peach pie in the world and whenever I give a piece to this Male person that I know he acts like it's from the frozen food section. Bitch, those are ripe Cling peaches from the heart of Georgia, I made the dough from scratch. You better recognize!

This male person, figure???? has a buddy that has been making him upside down cakes and strawberry cupcakes( which I recently found out are by way of Ms. Betty Crocker!) for years and you'd think that she had won the Pillsbury bake off the way this fool gushes. Me though, after one bite and not even a raised eyebrow in appreciation. He' s lucky I don't take it straight from the oven and smear it in his face.

What was I talking about in the first place? This post wasn't supposed to go there. Ok let's see, I was talking about work place boredom, achey knees and a need to impress. I titled this thing "My life Hurts" because whenever someone complains about aches and pains I respond by saying My life hurts. I don't know what it means, my sister is the original complaininator and I remember that after hearing one to many complaints I responded with that little gem. Now, I just say it to be a jackass. Plus, I just always pick horrible titles.

Ok, well enough about me. Not really, but bye.

I wish I was as brave as you!

I have had a few people look at my hair and then tell me how brave I must be to wear such a daring style. Just so you know, I wear dreadlocs......I'm not walking around here with a hot pink Mohawk or a blonde mullet. I just have shoulder length locs that are clean and neat.

Why do I wear locs? Well let's just say that at the age of sixteen a very talkative hairstylist that was too concerned with what so and so did to whoozy whatzy left the relaxer in my hair too long and I went bald in the back of my head so I had to let it go for a while. Well then my simple ass went back to this troll and got a bowl cut and found out later that she had used dirty clippers on my head and that I had folliculitis. Well, two weeks of antibiotics and four rounds of steroid shots in my scalp at $100.00 a pop left me wary of going to beauty salons.

I decided a few years ago that I would relax my hair at home but first I would go natural for about six months so that I could have a nice head of shiny straight hair but at about month five something strange happened. I went to the beauty supply to buy a relaxer and left with locking gel. i had a big fluffy Afro and I loved it and I haven't looked back. I'm happy with my decision but I don't think I'm brave. This is my hair and the advantages for me are much greater than they were with straight hair. I can exercise every day and not worry about sweating my edges out. I can drive with my windows down and not mess up my style. If I could swim, I would, but I can't so......

I believe that woman should do to their hair whatever they feel works for them but I can't help but feel that black women straighten their hair because we feel that what we were given naturally is unattractive. Four Hundred and some odd years of being told that you are disgusting will do that to you but I am sad that we go to such lengths to be something that we aren't when what we have is so much fun. I've heard so many women say that they only straighten their hair because it's so much more versatile but most of the ladies I see with relaxers just wear it in a pony tail every day. What's versatile about that and if versatility is what you want wouldn't your natural hair be a part of that arsenal? Look, I really don't care what people do with their hair, I just want them to be happy with what they are without changing a thing.

I have never been insulted about my hair by a white person. No, only people that look like me like to do that type of shit. Even when I relaxed my hair I would get teased and called a nappy headed bitch for nothing. Even when you can't see the kinks people still talk about them.

I don't really know what my point is anymore. I started writing only to talk about why I went natural and now I'm preaching at people which is not my intention. I just see all of these beautiful women out their with their played out weaves and wigs that aren't fooling anyone and their home relaxers that have left them practically bald and I wonder if they know how beautiful they would be with a big ass fro, long shiny locs and a big beautiful smile. We are perfect the way we are and if only took me going bald, spending six hundred dollars in medical bills, being stabbed in the back of the head with a needle full of acid and hating myself for a short while to see that.

Turner Classic Movie's alright!!

I just made the mistake? of watching "Birth of a Nation" and I really don't know what else to say. I have known about this movie forever and finally now having a chance to watch it, couldn't resist. I'm gonna let it sink in and then maybe I'll have something more to say. More than likely though, I will just have ball of anxiety, anger, confusion and sadness in my tummy for a few days and get over it like I always do. Man I gotta get fired up about something and stick with it for once. I just can't ever seem to keep my righteous indignation fired up long enough to make a difference about anything. I mean, I like baking, listening to Opera and poop jokes. I'm not that complex. Anyway....

I just spent Two Hundred dollars on clothes I don't even want for a job that demands that I only wear black which is ridiculous because I work in a field where I often spill shit all over myself and it' just stands out more on black clothes. When I think of all of the candy and magazines, music and novels, face creams and vitamins I could have bought with Two Hundred dollars....I gag.

I'm still addicted to sugar. I exercise like a dog and eat right all week and screw it up on Saturday with my nearly rotten sweet tooth. I saw a 20/20 special once about a woman on trial for killing her adopted son by poisoning him with salt and red pepper flakes but it believed by everyone that her son ate a lethal amount of salt on his own because he had a disorder that made him crave salt. I wonder if you can have an addiction, I mean a real addiction to sugar. If so, I think I have that. I mean, I ate the entire center of a chocolate cake at once a few months ago.

I wish that I could blog like the rest of you. I don't ever know what to say. I would love to speak on politics like so many of you because along with my exciting County Trotting career as a beauty representative I am actually quite interested and up to date on my world news but whenever I feel the urge to share my opinion on something I think about how many people have probably already done a better job at it than I and give up.

My locs look like shit sometimes. They are finally at my shoulders and I think that your average schlep rock would say that I have pretty hair but they are just so damn fuzzy. I hate that...

I guess if you wanna read about racist turn of the century cinema, food addictions and bad hair do's I'm your girl because the important things in life just aren't my cup of Sugar.

I need a Sugar Daddy!

I just love those candies don't you. I was making a plea to older men at first but decided to retain my dignity instead. I hate my job but that's no reason to wimp out and become a gold digger. Besides, being some dudes piece is probably as shitty a job as the one I have right now.

Yes that's right, I gots me a job!! I hate it. You didn't even know I was looking for a job or without work because I am so terrible at this blogging thing. Yeah, I have been ungainfully unemployed for a long while now and have been blessed by God with a good Job that pays well and that I hate. Let me say that if I weren't so shy I would absolutely love my job but I am a little pussy with no spine so I can't get into the groove of this work.

Long story longer, I interviewed a few months ago for a job at a department store with a makeup line. Didn't get the job because of my shyness and lack of experience with sales. I must salute the lovely lady that interviewed me because she fought like hell to get me hired. She sent me on about three interviews with different companies and they all liked me a lot and seemed to want to hire me if only I would assert myself and be more comfortable in my own skin. Well imagine my stomach turning nausea and shock when about two months later, one of the companies that had rejected me called in the middle of my bran flake breakfast to ask me if I would like to become a Freelance makeup artist. Never one to tell a person when I am scared shitless and still completely inexperienced I jumped at the offer.

Well here it is a month since that fateful day and I have been working about three times a week as a traveling Makeup Artist. I feel like I'm in the Circus and judging from the work that I have been doing I think I missed my calling. I basically go from store to store doing peoples makeup, selling them makeup and mentally shitting myself for hours at a time. I'm getting better at it every time and I'm just going to take the fact that my boss (yes, I will admit that the fact that I have a boss is kinda cool) keeps sending me to very important events and giving me these great opportunities is proof that I'm not as much of a failure as I think I am.

My schedule is kinda poopy too. I usually get weekend work which really blows as Saturday morning is usually my pancake and "Wait, Wait, don't tell me" time. My first Saturday was a shock to my system as my boss had warned me that she was just going to throw me into the fire.

6:45am until 6:30pm doing makeup and trying to get cheap people that can easily afford what I just spent forty five minutes applying to their face to now buy it. I have now spent about ten such occasions and it never ceases to amaze me that women and girls will wake up and go to a mall at 6:00 in the morning on a Saturday for the sake of free samples.

I've noticed though that I work best alone. I am fortunate to work with wonderful people but I am so self conscious that I feel like every suggestion is an attack and assurance of my impending termination. I am sure though that this time next month I will have found my groove and will be confident and happy because I love this job, I just hate the work. I have loved doing makeup for about twelve years now and am very good at it. It's just the selling that I am afraid of. I don't know why I feel like these women that set these appointments, no one put a gun up to their heads and made them come to me but for some reason I feel like I'm taking advantage of them. I don't know.....Pray for me because Friday and Saturday are gonna be two of those long days that require me to stand in one place for nine hours trying to convince people to buy stuff and I'm no good at it.

Send me your good vibes and energy.