Hey There!

Where have I been? Well, I would love to tell my six subscribers (none of which read this blog) that I have been to far off places doing international type stuff. Sadly though, I am just a lazy girl that has nothing to say. I know that nobody reads this blog and it's ok because really it's just an excuse for me to bang away at my keyboard every now and again as I love the sound of the keys clunking. I wonder how many nasty and dirty, socially unacceptable things I could get away with saying on this blog since no one reads it. I'm gonna try that someday.

I was exhausted this morning because of my intense love of the night and all things Nick at Nite when I realised that the sun had come up. I mean I was really surprised to look out the window and see that little sucker coming up. Well luckily I don't work on Tuesday so I decided to sleep for a few hours when just before I feel totally off I was harpooned with this unbelievable feeling of worthlessness. I shouldn't be asleep even though I desperately need it, I got dreams to chase man. You see, I thought that my current employment would allow me to chase my dreams in life but all it does is keep me working.

I won't be talking about my dreams just yet as i'm too embarrassed of them to share but I feel like I need to kick it into high gear and go after them because I ain't getting any younger. Even in the middle of the night, going to sleep seems like the wrong thing to do because I'm just putting it off.  I realise now that I am an incredible time waster and it seems like the worst kind of frivolity throwing away chances like I do.

I need to stop beeing and moaning about what I want to do and need out of life and just do it. I feel like such a bs'er that now even my prayers seem redundant. I mean God must be looking at me and saying "OK, I kept you alive one more day like you asked and look what you did with it, Nothin! Stop talking to me until you get serious." I'm just a big chicken that needs to get her crap together.

On a brighter note. People like me, I am doing so much better at work now and people are asking for my card every day. I used to think that my shyness was a bad thing but now I realise that it is just a part of who I am and that I am never gonna get over it. I think shyness is in the blood. I might not be the most outgoing or the loudest but once I talk to you for a few seconds, I'm ok and then we have a good old time. People seem to be put at ease by me and my work is just as good as my coworkers. I'm still working on my speed but the end results have been great.

Wish me luck and I'll do the same for you.

Only $19.95...Back Bone not included!

I was your typical shy teenager. I didn't have a lot of friends and on weekends it was usually my parents and I down at the IHOP or watching a movie. That sounds like a lot of fun and it was but it really inhibited me. I have never found it easy to talk to people without blushing and damn near having a pulmonary embolism. My dad was incredibly shy as well and in his line of work that was a trait that was very tricky to get around. My dad was the pastor of our church and I was always so amazed to watch him walk into the Pulpit, you could hear a slight tremor in his voice but five minutes later he was transformed into a confident man of God on a mission.

I was never able to transition that easily from Wallflower to happy participant. I was recently told by someone that I am a pessimist. I never thought about it but it's not the first time I've heard that. The first time was on my prom night. Now what in the world was going on on my prom night that it would even come up? Maybe there is something to be considered here. Well the recent guy said that I am always waiting for the worst possible scenario to go down. Apparently I am afraid that if anyone shows the slightest interest in getting to know me, they will learn what a loser I am and I will be totally embarrassed. Okay, he's got a point. I am a bit of a late bloomer. I feel sometimes that I am so far behind all of the people I know that are my age. I feel like I should be so much further ahead. My only solace is in the fact that I have always clung to the belief that whatever is meant for you won't pass you by. I also know that most people feel like they are lagging behind in one way or another.

I have a job that I don't really hate but I could like it a lot more if I weren't so nervous all the time. It's a job that requires that I be right in peoples face while being "charming, informative, kind and engaging". I'm not good at the whole engaging thing but it's a great job and I want to excel so I'm gonna have grow some balls asap. My voice teacher once told me that I was as cute as a button ( what does that mean ) and charming too. I've always held onto that when I've felt a little loserish. I'm so sick of the knot in my stomach and the cold sweat on my nose when I have to meet someone new or try something different. Advice is always welcome.

Oh my goodness, I've just read over this thing and can't believe how many sentences I started off with I. Ms. Nalepa told me in the third grade not to do that but I'm too lazy to change it now. I'm trying to get better at this writing thing so I'll do better next time. Gotta stop talking about myself so much. My family is full of nutballs that are much more screwed up and entertaining than me.

Oops!

I AM AN ASSHOLE! I'm not an asshole every day, actually I'm quite nice. Today though (from about 9:35pm until whenever he calls me back, I'm an asshole). Only one person probably feels this way about me right now and I'm hoping that the two or three people that read this won't agree with him after reading the rest of this. The only reason that I had the epiphany that I am having now is because of my assholery.

I have a very nice young man in my life that I will talk about more at a later time. Long story short, I have been with him since about 2004. We were serious at first but I knew he wasn't right for me and so about two and a half years ago I started distancing myself. Apparently I was only distancing myself in ways that I noticed because he still thought that everything was cool. I don't believe in all of that astrological mumbo jumbo but he is always saying that my being a Gemini is the reason for the roller coaster that is my personality. Actually I'm just the baby of the family and a spoiled brat in general, which leads me to believe that I can get away with anything (hey, at least I'm acknowledging it). So, for the last couple of years, we have been seeing each other a few times a week and we talk regularly but I have withdrew almost all affection and hurt him quite a bit I'm sure. Basically I'm a coward that doesn't want to hurt any ones feelings and in my pathetic attempt at doing so am just drawing out the pain and setting myself up for a murder/suicide situation.

Well, today I screwed up bad and now I can't enjoy my chocolate cake. I hadn't spoken to him all day and when he finally called I was less than friendly. I was just joking but I need to just learn to say hello. Well, ordinarily this greeting would have been okay but his Grandmother just had a heart attack and he was calling to let me know. I AM AN ASSHOLE! He cussed me out and tried to get off of the phone, I calmed him down and we talked for about twenty minutes before disconnecting. I feel like the scum of the earth. This got me to thinking though. I love this man like a brother. We have been friends for about twenty years now and only started dating after my dad died. I was not in my right mind at the time and now realise that friends is all that we ever should have been but seven years later and a whole lot of ASSHOLE moments on my part and here we are. I'm so scared for his Grandma but I'm also scared about the future. I have no place in his life and it's times like this that I realise that he deserves someone with a loving shoulder to cry on.

Word of advice people. Be fearless in the decisions that you make. Have enough heart to be honest about your feelings because being a coward about things is repugnant. You think that you are being kind but in actuality it's all about you and your fear of making people hate you. Giving people false hope is just the most selfish thing that you can do. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I'm tactful enough to know what I'm not gonna do but I really don't know what to say or do right now.

Question for Ya!

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS? I have had this silly blog for a short while now and I gotta say, I can't think of a damn thing to talk about. I was never conceited enough to think that I was a very professorial person with a lot to say but lawdy, lawdy I feel dumb on this thing. I just thought that it would be fun to chatter about the things that happen to me in every day life. I love to write in my journal and I love the sound of the keyboard keys clicking away and so I thought that this would be the best of both worlds. I was wrong. I watch the news but sharing my views on politics just makes me feel dumb because all of you guys are so much better at it and I would be crushed if someone commented and put me in my place.

I AM SUCH A PUSSY!!!WHAT I'M GIVING UP FOR LENT. BEING A PUSS.

If I don't find a voice soon i'm just gonna shut this thing down and go back to the journal where I don't feel so silly.

Comment section Bitchery!

I will be the first to admit it. I am a bratty little daddy's girl that always thinks she's right. I have been used t getting my way since I was a little girl. I remember being the only one of my sisters that could talk back to my mom and dad without going to be with a sore behind. I don't know what it was about me that made me immune to the almighty ass whooping but in my life I only recieved one while my sisters recived atleast three a year, usually after their report cards came in or when they just lost their damn minds and forgot who they were talking to. Sidenote: my parents believed that kids should be seen and not heard while I believe that they should be able to express their emotions, they are like humans that way. I still have a lot of resentment about that shit.

Anyway, It was only after I got my first boyfriend, well my only boyfriend at the old age of Twenty one that I realised that he never had a chance with me. When we debated somthing I always had the last word. I could never accept his opinion as anything but an opinion while my opinion was a fact.

What am I talking about again? Oh yeah, My dumb as made the mistake of reading the comment section of one my favorite blogs and was bombarded with little me's talking like their word was law and I have just come to realise how TRULY unattractive that is. Oh, God! I hope that I don't come off like that. Now I am proud to say that I do believe that I have a little more charm and finesse than most of thos loons but good God.

I am a very judgmental person, I just have the good sense to keep most of it to myself. Which shows what a faker I can be. I don't want to be some holier than thou sourpuss that rains on everyone's parade so I won't be doing two things anymore. I won't be reading any more comment sections and I won't try to get the last word, unless I know that I am right. Which I usually am.

BUTTHEAD!!

I feel like a big old Doody Head right now! You see, this sisterhood shit is a trip. Guilt thy name is Sisterhood.

HATE Speech

I HATE my sister!! Boy that felt good. It also felt pretty bad. I have had to accept the fact though that I hate her. I know that it is never to late to change things but I am so tired and so over it. I don't want to change things with this woman, I just want to get as far away from her as I possibly can as quickly as I can. I hesitate to even write this because I believe that you invite lessons by way of horrible things happening. I don't want to say how I feel and then get the phone call that my sister is dead and then feel like shit. That would suck...

Ok, I don't really hate my sister. I love her with all of my heart but I truly don't like her most of the time. The part that pisses me off is that we have the kind of relationship that is great one minute and then shiteous the next. My sister has a boatload of baggage that makes her incredibly unbearable. Long story short, Girl meets boy, boy impregnates and abuses girl, Boy terrorizes girls Mother and sisters, Girl sticks by boys side, Boy goes to jail, Girl still chooses boy over girl, Boy doesn't change, Girl get's mad a family for not loving boy.

I resent my sister more than anything in this world. I, for about a year spent almost every evening lying for my sister, cleaning up after her stupidity, going to court with her and letting her use my car to do her dirt and you would think that the bitch would remember that but in her silly little mind, we owe her. I am the kind of person that would rather go without if I can't figure out a way to do things on my own. I never ask anyone for favors because I don't want to be seen as weak and because I hate the idea of owing people. I hate owing people because on the few occasions that I have needed something from my sister, she has been quick to throw it up in my face as soon as we had a fight. The extent of her help to me mind you being that she twisted my locs a few times. Hell, I even learned to do that so that I wouldn't have to ask her to do it.

My sister suffers from this belief that I am a spoiled little brat that never does a thing for anyone. I will admit that I was my Mom and Dad's little baby and I had a much better relationship with them than she ever did for various reasons. Some of the fault lying with them and some with her. I won't argue the merits of her belief because I would look like a total asshole trying to argue the merits of my character but I have always thought that I was a pretty good person. My sister has a big problem with a person proclaiming that they are a good person, like you aren't supposed to be aware of it. What the hell is up with that? You know if you are a bad person so why wouldn't you know otherwise?

My sister is really bad with taking her anger out on the people that it belongs to as well. If she's mad, the nearest target is in trouble. It is a shame that whenever my sister comes around I get a knot in my stomach and my defenses immediately go up because God only knows if I'm gonna get my good sister or her evil other side. She is the kind of person that can be a jerk and then five minutes come back and be as nice and can be. I'm sorry but I need an apology before I start singing lullabies with you after a fight. I just resent this twerp so very much and I don't know what to do.

You know, I just know that we will never have a truly healthy relationship so the only way that we can have a decent one is to get the hell away from each other. If I don't have to interact with her every day and see her behavior first hand I can just pretend that it doesn't exist and we will get along much better.

So long story short, I don't hate my sister. I highly dislike her a lot of the time but I love her. Would I give her a piece of my liver? Absolutely! Would I give her a Kidney? Hell, No! The Kidney regenerates itself, if I give her a piece it will grow back. Once I give her a Kidney, it's gone forever and as bad as she treats her body it would be a waste. I'd probably take her to court to get it back.